Ok, so my feeling is that if someone propositions you (ie asks you if you’d like to have sex) at a dance event, it’s not sexual harassment in and of itself.
What makes it sexual harassment?
– They have more power than you do (whether they’re your teacher or boss, your host whose house you’re staying in, someone with more physical power, etc etc).
– They threaten you with consequences, or imply shit will go bad for you if you don’t take them up on the offer (eg they’re your dance partner and say they’ll pull out of the comp if you say no; they’re your boss and say they won’t give you any shifts if you say no; they’re a peer and say they’ll tell people bad stuff about you if you say no). ie they try to coerce you into saying yes.
– They ask in an inappropriate setting (eg you’re colleagues both working, and they ask you while you’re both working and you can’t move away or comfortably say no).
– They ask you repeatedly and try to convince you.
– When you don’t respond, or you say no, or you leave the room, they follow you, ask you repeatedly, or continue as though you’d said yes.
– The event has a safe space policy that says ‘It’s not ok to ask someone if they want to have sex with you at this event’. This one is trickier, but if an event has a ‘no sex’ policy (and that is a legit option) and they proposition you anyway, that implies they don’t care about boundaries and rules.
– You weren’t physically able to say yes or no or move away (eg if you’re drunk or stoned, asleep, working (eg MCing or working a cash register), backed into a corner, etc.
– You’re at an event in a culture or society where the act of asking is impossible to refuse.
– You’ve just told them you feel scared and afraid.
If they asked you to have sex, then moved on (physically or in conversation) when you say no or don’t say yes, then it’s not necessarily sexual harassment.
It could be awkward, you could dislike it, you could feel confused or upset, but it’s not necessarily sexual harassment.
To be super clear: there’s nothing wrong with feeling afraid, upset, confused, embarrassed, angry, etc when someone propositions you. It’s ok to feel shitty if you were enjoying a nice asexual/nonsexual moment and they harshed your vibe. It’s ok to be annoyed if you’re straight and they’re gay (or vice versa) and they don’t suit your sexual preferences.
They’re all legit feelings. If you do feel this way, you should definitely find a safe space and get some help if you want it. You don’t have to report anything or have a safe space staff member sort it out for you.
But if someone likes you and finds you attractive and makes an offer, that’s not necessarily sexual harassment.
How do you respond if someone does proposition you, and you don’t want to, or feel afraid or panicky?
A first step is to say “No.” That’s enough. You don’t need to say anything else.
If you can’t get the word out, then it’s also ok to just freaking run away. Get out of there.
What if you freeze and can’t do or say anything?
A decent person is looking for _enthusiastic_ consent. If you don’t say anything, or if you say no, then a decent person is not going to pursue you. Best case scenario, they’re going to apologise and remove themselves.
If you do haul arse and run away, or you’re stuck there frozen and silent, a decent person will check in with the event staff to let them know that you seem upset, and they’ll make sure the staff know how to find them. Or they’ll tell your mates to check in. They should know better than to follow you and try to explain themselves.
And I think that this is where it becomes obvious that we are all responsible for each other’s safety. If you’re in a group or a social space, and you do freeze and panic, hopefully someone else will notice and check in with you.
And if _you_ see someone proposition someone and get a panicky/scared response, it’s important that you do something. You don’t have to confront anyone. You could just suddenly ask the scared person if they’re taking class tomorrow. Or you could ask the propositioner if _they’re_ taking class. Do it loudly and akwardly and you’ll defuse the situation and other people’s attention will be drawn, so they might be able to do something more.
But we all have a responsibility to keep an eye out for each other.